4.5 months down.

Cant believe i'm down to my last month now.

I've had a great time in general i guess.

But i'm somewhat angry at myself for not being able to let go of some people, some things. People whom i loved, who i still love, who i trusted, who i still trust. People who are disappointing me.

People who i thought meant the world to me, not even able to tell me things that are happening. Big things. Jo, on moving on, seeing someone. Is it that hard to say ? When mentioned that you dont have time, it's annoying how it seems like you do for everyone else. But then again, i wouldnt know. Both because you're too busy to tell and because i no longer needed need to be told. Then you finally admitted that you're seeing someone.

I feel upset, kinda. Not so much by the moving on. In a way, it's good that we're coming to terms, have come to terms with it. I'm happy about it. I just wish we had a better closure, done properly, had a nice chat in person. I just wish i still had my best friend. You knew you were pretty much my best friend didnt you ? And now it just feels like you're choosing to walk away from it with just a line saying "i'm busy, you need to acknowledge we're no longer walking the same path". How hurtful. Then again, if you told me earlier, knowing myself, maybe i would have walked away and gave you room instead.

I had times here when i felt like i'm all alone. It's different when you're travelling, you cant even call home because your damn timezone is messed up. You dont even know anyone here. Not one. Then the best friend whom you used to have who is a mere 2 hours away doesnt have time for you. It sucks. Especially when you're the kind who would put down the relationship for a friend in need. It sucks when you think this past relationship is not even at this level of friendship.

I knew it would be her from the start. From a year ago, i figured all along. I guess i really do read some things too well.


The last two nights i keep thinking of the words i should have said, the things i should have done in the last 2 months when i was still up Mt Cook. How i could have been more honest, both to myself, john and the people around us. Go for the messed up characters, always end up going for them. Joseph's right. Trouble finds me, but then again i also do seem to look for trouble.

I wonder if i can say he's more responsible then. By blatantly admitting that he's messed up, dont get involved. Travel changes people. I wonder how far i'll go just to pursue things. It must be the air.